my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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