there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
