Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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