Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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