your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize