You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
