my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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