Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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