Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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