This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
