like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
