a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize