I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
