Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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