so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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