I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
