good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
