It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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