I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Banned from zoo.
Again?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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