Pants 0. Shit 1.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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