Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish I only lived at night.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
