John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
