i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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