just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Reggie can tackle my bush.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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