She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
