I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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