I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
