he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
