hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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