Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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