I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
