I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
