my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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