she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did we literally take a cab across the street
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
