the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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