if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My feet surprised me
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