Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
