Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
