I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
