You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
