david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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