if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
