The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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