Umm I'm too high to move.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
