i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
