Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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