I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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