Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
