Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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