I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
