Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
