she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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