Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize