so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
