he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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