We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
