The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize