My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
