why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
