mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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