well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
please don't ironically join a cult
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