two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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