I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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